【读你所爱，呵护你的心灵；顺便掌握英语，打开你的第三只眼】
【1】“...我鼓励Susan把她的感受都倾诉出来，并耐心地帮助Jim理解妻子的负面感受。这是他们情感愈合过程中最艰难的部分。”
I encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest part of their healing process.
【2】“第二步就是承担责任。Jim需要对自己没有给妻子应得的支持而承担责任，而Susan需要对自己没有设定付出限度而承担责任。”
The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries.
【3】实践...
“Susan会练习说：“我不喜欢你说话的方式。请停止大喊大叫，要不然我就会离开房间。”当Susan真的离开房间几次以后，她就再也不需要这样做了。
Susan practiced saying "I don't like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or 1 will leave the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn't need to do it anymore.
【本节导读】
一位朋友对我说，“对于结婚几年以后的夫妻，就不要再谈什么爱情了吧。有时候我都会觉得这个年纪谈论爱情是一个笑话。”好吧，对于那些老夫老妻，我建议把《金星人与火星人》中的“爱情”和“感情”都理解成“夫妻关系”就好。不过，我希望，年轻人不要向父母学习，他们很少能成为我们了解爱情，懂得感情的偶像。
我没有资格给什么建议。每个人的婚姻和爱情都是你自己的，需要自己去走。幸福与不幸也是你自己的，是你自己领悟出来的，自己创造出来的。你才是你自己的老师。
我唯一听到的一个好故事，就是有人和家人约定一起用这本书来学英语。后来他告诉我，这个一起学英语的好习惯成为了他婚姻生活中的一个转折点。他们已经很久没有吵架了，他们开始越来越多地理解了对方话语中的暗号。
这一节是接着上一篇的，上一篇中，讲到了夫妻如何从爱情走到了相互责备。这一章里，有很多如何避免家庭吵架的秘方。值得收藏学习。
【刘博士译文】
金星人与火星人11：如何治愈我们的爱情
设定并尊重界限
然而，对于女性来说，最重要的一点在于认识到，将自己的付出控制在怎样的限度内才不会对伴侣产生怨恨。女性需要做的是通过控制自己的付出来保持平衡，而不是期待她的伴侣和她付出的一样多。
让我们看一个例子吧。39岁的Jim 和他41岁的妻子Sunsan来寻求婚姻心理咨询。Susan想要离婚。她抱怨说，十二年来她付出的一直比丈夫多得多，她现在再也忍受不了了。她责备丈夫Jim整日无精打采、自私、控制欲强、还不浪漫。她说她现在已经没有什么可以再付出的了，她准备离开这个家。Jim说服她来接受婚姻诊疗，但她对其效果很是怀疑。在六个月的诊疗时间里，他们能够通过以下三个步骤来治愈他们的情感关系。今天他们仍旧幸福地生活在一起，还有三个孩子。
第一步：产生动力
我向Jim解释说，他妻子历经了长达十二年的积怨。如果他想挽救这段婚姻的话，他必须要做大量的倾听，这样才能让他的妻子有动力去修复他们的婚姻。在他们双方一起参与的最初的六节诊疗中，我鼓励Susan把她的感受都倾诉出来，并耐心地帮助Jim理解妻子的负面感受。这是他们情感愈合过程中最艰难的部分。当Jim开始真正地听懂了她的痛苦和未实现的愿望时，Jim也会变得愈加有动力，他相信自己可以做出必要的改变来让重建一段爱的婚姻关系。
而要使Susan有动力去改善他们的婚姻关系，她必须要感到Jim在倾听她的诉说，并认可她的感受：这是第一步。只有当Susan感到Jim理解她以后，他们才能继续进行下一步。
步骤2：承担责任
第二步就是承担责任。Jim需要对自己没有给妻子应得的支持而承担责任，而Susan需要对自己没有设定付出限度而承担责任。Jim为自己伤害了Susan而主动道歉。而Susan也意识到，虽说丈夫在不尊重自己方面（如大吵大闹、发牢骚、拒绝她的要求和不认可她的感受）超越了她的忍耐界限，而自己也有错，那就是没有设定自己的忍耐界限。虽然Susan并不需要为此道歉，但她需要承认，自己对他们的婚姻问题也负有一定的责任。
当Susan逐渐懂得，自己因为没能设定界限，并因为自己习惯性地过多付出，所以对他们婚姻问题的产生也负有责任时，她也就能够更容易原谅Jim。能够为自己的婚姻问题承担责任，这对Susan释放自己的怨恨是至关重要的。通过承担责任，夫妻双方就都有了动力，他们开始学习通过尊重对方的忍耐限度的方式来支持对方。
第三步：实践
Jim尤其需要学会如何尊重妻子的界限，而Susan需要学习如何设定界限。他们都需要学会如何以一种尊重对方的方式来表达自己的真实感受。他们双方同意，在这第三步中，他们会练习设定界限和尊重界限，同时也要明白，他们时不时还是会犯错误。允许犯错误的认识让他们在练习的过程中有了安全感。以下就是他们所学到的和练习的一些例子：
Susan会练习说：“我不喜欢你说话的方式。请停止大喊大叫，要不然我就会离开房间。”当Susan真的离开房间几次以后，她就再也不需要这样做了。有时候，当Jim提出一些Susan讨厌去做的要求时，Susan会练习说：“不行，我现在需要休息一下”，或者是：“不行，我今天太忙了”。结果Susan发现Jim对她更上心了，因为他明白了Susan有多忙或是多累。
Susan告诉Jim她想去度个假。当Jim说自己太忙了没有空的时候，Susan说，那她会自己一个人去。突然间，Jim改变了自己的日程，也想去了。当他们在交谈时，如果Jim打断她的话，Susan会练习说：“我还没说完呢，请听我先把话说完。”突然间，Jim开始聆听得更多，插嘴更少了。Susan觉得最难以做的事情是练习要求自己想要的东西。Susan对我说：“我已经为他做了这么多，为什么我还要请求他为我做事呢？”我解释说，想让丈夫完全了解妻子的需求不仅不现实，而且也是造成婚姻问题的很大一部分原因。妻子必须要自己对实现自己的需要负责任。
而对于吉姆来说，最大的挑战是学会尊重妻子的变化，而且不能期望妻子还是像他刚结婚时那样总顺着他。Jim也认识到了，Susan的最大挑战是设定限制，而自己的最大挑战是适应妻子设定的界限。但是他知道，随着他们的不断练习，他们也就会变得愈加自然的。
当男性知道了伴侣的忍耐界限时，他就有动力付出更多。当男性尊重女性这一界限时，他就会主动对自己行为方式的后果进行反思，并开始做出改变。当女性认识到，为了满足自己的需求，她就必须设定界限时，她也就会自然地开始原谅她的伴侣，并开始考虑用其他方式来要求和获得伴侣的支持。当女性为自己设定了界限时，她就逐渐学会了放松下来和接受更多的支持。
【英文原文】
SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS
Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives.
Let's look at an example. Jim was thirty-nine and his wife, Susan, was forty-one when they came for counseling. Susan wanted a divorce. She complained that she had been giving more than he had for twelve years and could not take it anymore. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was ready to leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six-month period they were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they are happily married with three children'.
Step 1: Motivation
I explained to Jim that his wife was experiencing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If he wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated to work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, I encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have a loving relationship.
Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and feel that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan felt understood, they were able to proceed to the next step.
Step 2: Responsibility
The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and invalidating feelings), she had not set her boundaries. Although she did not need to apologize, she did acknowledge some responsibility for their problems.
As she gradually accepted that her inability to set limits and her tendency to give more had contributed to their problems, she was able to be more forgiving. Taking responsibility for her problem was essential to releasing her resentment. In this way they both were motivated to learn new ways of supporting each other through respecting limits.
Step 3: Practice
Jim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced:
* Susan practiced saying "I don't like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or 1 will leave the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn't need to do it anymore. When Jim would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying "No, 1 need to relax" or "No, I'm too busy today." She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he understood how busy or tired she was. * Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his schedule and wanted to go. * When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying "I'm not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less. 0 Susan's most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, "Why should I have to ask, after all 1 have done for him?" I explained that making him responsible for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled. * Jim's most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married. He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice.
As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behavior patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.