文/刘宝彩
以《感谢一个对你影响最深的人》为题，写出两篇不同风格的英文作文。先看第一篇然后看二篇，对此大家来品味其中的英语“味道”，然后以此“味道”看其中之“烹饪材料”构成对比情况。
第一篇
Dear Mr. Walt, Oct. 01, 20 - -
I write you a letter expressing my heartfelt gratitude to you for your greatly kind help to me in solving difficulty meeting with traffic accident at about 10:30 on 3 Aug., 20--. On this unfortunate occasion, you showed me the dedication and the talent for rushing to my rescue, which has really impressed me with your kindness, during my extensive injury, as I was knocked off my feet by a taxi.
This time in that day, a kind-hearted helper was expected to come to my aid in time undoubtedly, in my view. It is you, the kind-hearted helper, that appear up front in my emergence, getting me out of a dangerous situation to make a call to medical-service ambulance. By this, I would be enabled to let you how much I appreciate the greatly valuable job you have done in amount of time you made available to me during injury I suffered. That means you are a highly-respected person who is well-disposed toward me most importantly.
As this reminds me, my condition might have been much serious, without your timely assistance. This makes me have a truly unforgettable experience, keeping me lucky to be alive. As is told to me one month later, in this respect, your manual means are in use of my breathing to restore in me that forces air into and out of my lungs, in a rhythmic way, based on mouth by mouth. This is to enable me to breathe easily. Accordingly, in response to the injury, your greatly-wise first aid to me in difficulty has saved much time to ensure my condition improved satisfactorily. This shows you acted from selfless motives, to my really-deep delight, helping me with the serious trouble.
These are regarded as being most desirable for the quality all should have in modern society, too. This shows all people that you have set them an good example, in my mind, doing all you could to spread love everywhere you go, and letting no one come to you without leaving happier. As is believed from this, you succeed in winning the confidence in people, which helps make the world more beautiful.
I brought back to so much warm feeling of great friendship which has been set up, by your great help, at short time during the accident. As is known to you by this greetings, my wife also joins me both in sending you our sincere regards and expressing our renewed thanks to you for your thoughtfulness and hospitality.
Yours sincerely,
Liming
第二篇
Dear Mr. Walt,
I am writing to express my heartfelt gratitude for your help. I am referring to that unfortunate accident the other day, when I was knocked off my bike by a taxi.
Most importantly, if it had not been for your timely assistance in giving me first aid, I fear that the consequences might have been much serious. Everyone agrees that it was your quick-witted response in that emergency that has led to this satisfactory outcome. Although nowadays people in mounting numbers talk about the need to be unselfish which is the most desirable quality we are looking for, we see very few people practice what they preach. If there were more people like you, this world would be a much nicer place.
My thanks to you for the help you render me are beyond words.
Yours faithfully,
Liming
对比点评：第一篇和第二篇
第一篇点评
英文习惯写感谢信开头句, 提出主题句，因此第一个概括句要明确，例如满足三项内容：什么（what）谁（who）如何（how），就符合写作要求了，即，“2他或她做了什么事情值得你感谢”。
写信（letter）惯例不省略letter，目的是为后面承接doing形式表达写信的原因表示感谢...，这与英语写信惯例一致。
写信标明日期是写信的惯例。逻辑衔接要紧凑，衔接词尽量符合场景，即把the other day的时间，换成On that sad time，当然，相对impress而言。
句子内容（如：我提及...)要尽量合适，得体（避免逻辑“跳空缺口”），直截了当有意义（如...impress me so much with your braveness and kindness...）。 其理由是英文是“型合意合 = 句型与意思一致结合一起”；中文是“型不合而意合 =只凭字面意难理解实质意”因此只能猜意，不过有“逻辑跳空缺口”的中文却不影响理解，理由就是靠猜；如果把中文思维方法转到英文，那英文可能就难懂了，外国人整体把握句意可能就有歧义，因不会猜。如“改进英文写作”栏目的英文改进的还有一个理由是：不让读者感觉到：写信人是似乎自己跟自己说话，而不是在跟收信人说话。
英语词语组合，应尽量考虑符合牛津词典用法搭配习惯，如assistance与give one first aid。词汇含义和使用场景一致，consequences（后果）词建议用condition（健康状况）与向救助人感谢信整体思想较为匹配。尽量把自我语气词当作次要成分处理来说这个事儿，所以需要把“我来说说...不幸的事（I am referring to that unfortunate accident）”句子，换一个角度和思维方式叙述，例如改成：...you impress me so much with...，而更具有思想性反映出作者写感谢信的独特思想，这样内容较合适。该句与1原英语句之间有“逻辑跳空缺口”，即：...gratitude for your help与referring to that ... Accident（...感谢帮助与提及...事故），两句英语句的意思难以统一起来。在牛津英语词典里没找到it is for sb’s assistance...用法，而找到的类似用法为...it isof assistance to sb. , ...或... come to one’s assistance ,...或...without one's assistance to sb....；也没有找到... giving one first aid（给某人急救）的使用方法。用c在这个句子中，怎么个“机敏的反应（quick-witted response）”没有具体事实论据作支撑，所以“人人同意（Everyone agrees）”似有些“强加性”的感觉，建议去掉为好，相反有论据支撑就不需要去掉。同理satisfactory outcome（满意的结果）使用也牵强。condition较妥，不用consequences（结果），因后者是内容范围非常广的一个词，如经济、政治...的结果，但本文说的是健康状况（condition）的后果。句子较长，所以把I fear that...作技术处理缩短较妥。改为客观说法的意思为好，response （回应、反应）之后的介词不用in而用to。
以负面论述为主，说明感谢信主题似乎不匹配，所以主题内容有点跑偏嫌疑。原英语写作者，与其说“人们（people）如何如何整：A. mounting numbers 换成quite a few；B.talk about换成feel或have；C.desirable换成be eager for；D.the need换成in need of。缺少逻辑过渡句，如：This meet the needs of quite a few people who feel in need of selflessness.和As is seen from the accident,等。、我们（we）如何如何、很少有人...”，不如说“收信人为你做了什么，从中你感觉到或学到了...东西”“世界将是一个非常好的地方（world would be a much nicer place）”这句话的内容，作为本段落的结束语，似乎外延大而看不见摸不着，内涵小而无实质内容，所以缺少事实论据作，这样才较切入主题，与写作要求吻合。某些词与主题场景稍远点儿以及与习惯短语也远，为此调整支持，例如怎么帮助的措施）以及“感谢信件”感谢的具体性内容也感觉不到，似是“空”的。所以换一个提升感谢的思路叙述，也许会实点儿。beyond words常常不作表语使用，而作状语使用。此句与第4句内容之间缺少逻辑过渡词 ... for which ...感谢帮助的原因可进一步“深挖”，如此感谢信写得活跃起来。
附：第一、二篇中译文
第一篇中译文
感谢信
沃尔特先生：
我给你写信衷心感谢你于20--年8月3日10:30时，在我遇到交通事故中提供非常大的帮助为我解决困难。你正是以奉献精神和聪明才智，才让我在被出租车撞飞倒地致多处受伤的情况下，得到迅速救助，因此真的让我万分感激。
3日出事的时候，我期盼着有好心人能快来救我；你就是这位好心人恰巧就出现在情况万分危机的我的面前，并及时呼叫救护车送医让我得以获救。由此我多么得感谢你对我受伤而争取生命救助时间所作出的巨大努力。所以最大的价值在于：你是对人怀有善意而深受尊敬的人。
这样让我想到：没有你的及时相助，我的健康状况可能是非常令人担忧的。这让我活下来算是幸运的，因此真是一次难忘的经历。之所以说难忘是因为你为我做人工呼吸，由此阻止了我停止呼吸。就是说，你对危难的我进行敏捷的急救，为我健康状况满意的改善，赢得了时间。这样看来你帮助我解决很大的困难是出于最高尚的目的，真是令我欣喜。
这也是现代社会人们应具备的品格。让我感觉到，你尽了你所能做的最大努力，把爱洒向你所到之处，让人觉得有新的快乐、越来越快乐，所以给人们树立了好榜样。由此相信你赢得了人们的信任，这有助于让世界变得越来越美好。
通过在交通事故不长时间中你的帮助，我从你身上带回了所建立起这么多友谊和具有善良的情感。因此我和我妻子要向你致以诚挚的敬意，还要再次感谢你对我的体贴入微关照和热情友好。
敬上。 李明
20 - -年10月1日
（注意：此中英信件写作满足了三项要求：1这个人什么品质值得感动了你；2他或她做了什么事情值得你感谢；3表达这件事对你的影响。）
第二篇中译文
我写信衷心的感谢你的帮助。我提及那天连人带车被出租车撞飞的那件不幸的事故。最重要的是：这件事如不是你对我施以及时急救的帮助，我担心结果可能是非常严重的,人人同意，在这种紧急情况下，你机敏的反应导致这满意的结果。尽管现在多数人们谈论需要无私，这是我们寻求的最渴望的品质，但是我们知道很少人实践其诺言。如果有更多像你一样的人，那么这世界将是一个非常好的地方。对于你帮助我的感谢是难以言表的。
（注意：此英文写作没有从英文逻辑思维推理方面，根据三项要求<1这个人什么品质值得感动了你；2他或她做了什么事情值得你感谢；3表达这件事对你的影响>而写出，只是写把三方面直译出来，造成“无因无果”，难免缺少英语文章的“味道”。）